Compassion: the key to a happy relationship?

What is compassion?

Compassion is the ability to deeply understand and respond with kind actions to the difficulties encountered by others. It represents a step beyond empathy toward another, which is limited to perceiving, feeling, and understanding the pain.

Indeed, empathy, although essential, simply forms the base of what compassion deepens. It allows sharing a person's feelings, but remains passive. Compassion, on the other hand, is active. It is engaged, engaging, and embodies the transition from emotional sensitivity to concrete actions aimed at tangibly improving the other's situation.

What is self-compassion?

According to Kristin Neff, an American psychologist specializing in mental health and self-development, self-compassion is defined as showing compassion toward oneself. It consists of recognizing one's own suffering and welcoming it rather than avoiding it or distancing oneself from it. Self-compassion involves trying to understand one's pain, weaknesses, and failures without judging them, considering them as an integral part of the human experience.

Recent scientific research furthermore indicates that people with a high level of self-compassion tend to have greater emotional resilience, feel a stronger connection to others, are generally more satisfied with their relationships, and are less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression (Sirois, 2014).

The benefits of compassion for others...

Receiving compassion from others brings considerable benefits for both our mental health and our well-being. This practice is not limited to temporary support, but brings about deep transformations that:

• Reduce emotional distress by helping us learn to regain calm and comfort more easily in the face of difficulties.
• Strengthen our self-esteem, because feeling understood and supported by someone increases our perceived self-worth.
• Promote sincere exchanges by increasing the sense of closeness and trust.

And for oneself!

Practicing compassion toward others is not only about helping others, but also brings significant benefits to our own mental health, which:

• Reduces symptoms of depression.
• Strengthens our self-esteem.
• Promotes a healthier, more optimistic outlook on life.
• Releases oxytocin, "the feel-good hormone"
• Helps create healthy and lasting relationships
• Encourages richer, deeper interactions.

In short, compassion is beneficial not only for our partner and our relationship, but also for ourselves, thereby promoting a fully fulfilling and healthy life.

The importance of compassion for a healthy relationship

In the complex and sometimes turbulent dynamics of life as a couple, compassion can play an essential role. Let's admit it, living together and sharing daily life are not without challenges. There are times when our partner behaves in ways that frustrate or disappoint us. Those moments of tension, when they seem not to "fulfill their part of the bargain," can generate feelings of distress and irritation. Yet it is precisely in these moments that compassion becomes crucial.

It allows us to maintain connection rather than give in to disconnection, to choose understanding rather than conflict. It acts as a force that nourishes and strengthens the bond, reminding us that our spouse/partner is also our teammate, with whom we share common goals and a life journey.

Research shows that compassionate people are happier and that couples who practice mutual compassion benefit from a more joyful and understanding relationship. Cultivating and expressing compassion creates a safe space for love, communication, and for any emotions or problems that may arise. It provides far greater emotional security than one might imagine. Because in the end, no one is better placed to comfort and encourage us through hardship than our partner.

How to be more compassionate toward yourself and others?

To begin with, it is essential to name and clearly define your emotions. This requires being accepting toward yourself and toward the other, which can sometimes require forgiveness, even when it is more difficult.

Focusing on the present moment is also crucial. It improves our awareness of the other's needs and strengthens our ability to truly be there for the person we have chosen as our life partner, best friend. This mindfulness is cultivated through simple actions, like listening more and speaking less, which allows us to truly understand the unspoken and subtle emotions of our partner.

Next, practicing kindness toward yourself is essential in order to be able to open up sincerely to others. If you are at peace with your own emotions, you will be more able to feel, understand and support others' emotions without feeling overwhelmed. This involves taking care of yourself, recognizing your strengths and weaknesses with compassion.

Being open and flexible is also an important aspect of compassion. Couple life is not a series of tasks to manage or problems to solve, but a constant sharing of experiences and emotions that often escape our control. This openness, without judgment, can lead to moments of deep connection, where each person feels heard and supported.

Finally, it is crucial to put these principles into practice daily. Make tender gestures, offer help appropriately, and above all, be there to listen and share moments, whether joyful or difficult. It is this ability to stay connected to the other, to weather life's storms and clear skies together, remembering that in every interaction lies an opportunity to love, find meaning, and grow together.

Practicing compassion in your relationship – concrete examples

Incorporating compassion into couple life may sometimes seem abstract, but in reality there are concrete and simple gestures that can profoundly transform the relationship dynamic. Here are some examples to practice it daily:

Remember that everyone has off moments

Recognizing that your partner is simply "human" can help put things into perspective and soften your reaction: "We are all human and sometimes we're not at our best. He/she is just particularly human today."

Express understanding

The next time your partner is irritable or seems distant, instead of reacting with frustration, ask yourself questions that open you to compassion. Try to put yourself in their shoes. For example: "What is he/she experiencing right now? How is he/she feeling to react this way?" or "How would I feel if I were them?" These questions can help you see beyond the immediate behavior and understand your partner's underlying emotions.

Listen actively

If you sense that something is wrong, invite your partner to talk about what they are feeling. Offering an attentive ear without judging or immediately proposing solutions can make all the difference.

Handle conflicts more gently

During arguments, rather than losing your temper, try to understand the reasons behind your partner's complaints. Listen to what the other person has to say and try to put yourself in their place instead of thinking about your next retort. Show that you are listening and that you genuinely care about their feelings. This can help ease tension and find a more constructive resolution.

These actions, seemingly simple, can have a profound impact on the quality of your relationship. By choosing to respond with compassion, even in tense moments, you strengthen your bond and create an environment where both of you feel supported and understood. For more examples and exercises, we invite you to visit the self-compassion tool provided by the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Centre and members of the Mental Health Promotion Committee of the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO): https://www.esantementale.ca/Ottawa-Carleton/Lauto-compassion-plus-importante-que-lestime-de-soi-et-peut-tre-la-cle-de-la-sante-mentale/index.php?m=article&ID=52807

When compassion is no longer enough

Although compassion is essential for maintaining a healthy and happy couple relationship, it's important to keep in mind that it can sometimes prove insufficient in the face of more complex or deep-rooted challenges. Compassion can help you ease daily tensions and strengthen the bond with your partner, but it does not always eliminate recurring negative behaviors or deep wounds that require professional intervention. If you feel that your relationship problems go beyond what simple mutual understanding can resolve, it may be wise to consult a specialist.

Couples therapy, for example, can offer a safe, neutral space to address sensitive issues and work to resolve underlying conflicts. A therapist can help you develop new strategies to communicate effectively, address emotional wounds, and restore a healthy balance in your relationship.

If you find yourself in a situation where compassion is no longer enough, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Our mental health and social services specialists are here to support you in your journey toward a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.

Sources

Canadian Mental Health Association. (2024). Mental Health Week toolkit. Retrieved from https://cmha.ca/fr/semaine-sante-mentale/trousse-a-outils/

Canadian Mental Health Association, Ontario Section – Sudbury/Manitoulin. (2024). What is compassion. ACSM-SSM2024.pdf.

Canadian Medical Association (CMA). (September 8, 2021). The basics of self-compassion. Retrieved from https://www.cma.ca/fr/carrefour-bien-etre-medecins/contenu/bases-lautocompassion

eSantéMentale.ca in collaboration with the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Centre and members of the Mental Health Promotion Committee of the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario. (November 28, 2021). Self-compassion, more important than self-esteem and perhaps the key to mental health. Retrieved from https://www.esantementale.ca/Ottawa-Carleton/Lauto-compassion-plus-importante-que-lestime-de-soi-et-peut-tre-la-cle-de-la-sante-mentale/index.php?m=article&ID=52807

Femme Actuelle. (May 21, 2019). 5 exercises to develop one's sense of compassion. Retrieved from https://www.femmeactuelle.fr/sante/psycho/5-exercices-pour-developper-son-sens-de-la-compassion-2078750

Neff, K. (2021). Self-compassion: welcoming one's suffering with kindness and gentleness. In Grand Handbook of Positive Psychology (pp. 183-195). Retrieved from https://www.cairn.info/grand-manuel-de-psychologie-positive–9782100822133-page-183.htm

Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2017). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. Retrieved from https://books.google.ca/books?id=xMQ2DwAAQBAJ

Psychology Today. (March 4, 2023). Why Compassion Is So Important for a Romantic Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/emotional-fitness/202302/compassion-is-an-important-part-of-a-romantic-relationship

YesWeBloom. (n.d.). Frustration in the couple: The magic card you need. Retrieved from https://www.yeswebloom.com/psychologie-coaching-couple/frustration-dans-le-couple-la-carte-magique-dont-vous-avez-besoin